An Open Letter-Orb from Peasprout Chen Denouncing Reveals of Book Covers and Song

Venerable and Sagacious Readers of Pearl Shining Sun News,

I am Chen Peasprout, second year student at Pearl Famous Academy of Skate and Sword, former Peony Level Brightstar, and future legend of skate and sword.

I am infuriated to death by this newspaper’s reveal of the covers of the books written about me by some author named Lien Henry. I have not read these books entitled PEASPROUT CHEN, FUTURE LEGEND OF SKATE AND SWORD and the new sequel PEASPROUT CHEN: BATTLE OF CHAMPIONS. However, I do not need to read them to know that they are worthless and less than trash, as well as being dull and completely without qualities.

This Lien Henry claims to recount the true story of my first two years at Pearl Famous, as if some old man with a head as bald as Turtleback Mountain could appreciate the bitter sacrifices that I went through in my first year mastering the beautiful but deadly art of martial skating. It is impossible to imagine him adequately portraying the wrenching choices I have to make in my second year as I form a battleband to protect my new home of Pearl from invasion by my original homeland of Shin. I have challenged this Lien Henry to single combat but he hid behind his army of litigation masters like a flea diving into tiger fur. My rage explodes like ten thousand volcanos when I think of a single person ever seeing the covers of his miserable books ever again.

[Editors’ Note — The covers of the books are reproduced again below for our readers, compliments of Pearl Shining Sun News.]

I have submitted to the editors of Pearl Shining Sun News my list of complaints about the covers, which they promised to include here in its entirety.

[Editors’ Note — The list has been omitted in its entirety.]

I beg you to direct your attention to some of these most outrageous of injustices in the list.

Complaint Number 82 — I believe that the first cover depicts me finishing a third-gate, East-directional slashing crane leap but I’m portrayed as completing the move with two feet rather than one. As if someone who was Wu Liu Champion for all of Shui Shan Province five times before the age of ten would ever need two feet to land. I am not a duck. Ten thousand years of stomach gas!

Screen Shot 2018-10-08 at 5.21.57 PM.png — Art by Afu Chan

Complaint Number 527 — The second cover depicts me completing a fifth-gate phoenix prancing across the Eight Jade Seas triple jump, which is a move I have done flawlessly since before I even learned to crawl, but where is the apple in my cheeks? I am portrayed as having wholly apple-less cheeks. Make me drink sand to death!

Screen Shot 2018-10-08 at 5.23.00 PM.png — Art by Afu Chan

I also denounce Pearl Shining Sun News’ dissemination of the letter-orb containing the recording of “The Pearlian Battlesong” by my battleband. That recording was never meant to be made public. It refers to the name of my battleband as “Nobody and the Fire-Chickens”. That name is just the temporary result of an administrative misunderstanding, about which I have protested to the senseis of Pearl Famous and over which my ultimate victory is more certain than anything under Heaven. I thank the editors of Pearl Shining Sun News for promising not to further disseminate the song.

[Editors’ Note — A letter-orb containing the recording of the song is attached again hereto for our readers, compliments of Pearl Shining Sun News, this time with the lyrics.]

THE PEARLIAN BATTLESONG

Sisters of the skate,
Brothers of the blade,
Come and lend your hands and stand up for your motherland.
Answer the command,
Come and join our band!”

Chorus
Come and join, come and join our band!
Come and join, come and join our band!
Come and join, come and join our band!
Come and join our band!”

Come to summon some
Of what you would become.
Come to understand the grandeur of the greater plan.
Answer the command,
Come and join our band!”

Chorus

Give a cheer to Hisashi for a pipa well-played.
Over there, we’ve got Yinmei riding on the drumblade.
Doi is playing erhu like the Empress of Heaven.
With Peasprout dominating the magnetic shamisen.
As for me, you may call me Crick
And we are Nobody and the Fire-Chickens!”

No one can deny
Someday we will die!
How we live and what we give will be determinative!
How we live and what we give will be determinative!
How we live and what we give will be determinative!
Answer the command,
Come and join our band!

Pearl Shining Sun News and I have not always been the best of friends. However, my heart is filled with a thousand strains of peace knowing that the editors will at last allow my whole story to be told and stop smearing my face with disgusting and vomit-scented lies.

I thank the benevolent readers for buying this issue of Pearl Shining Sun News to finally get the whole story.

Your humble and grateful servant,

Chen Peasprout

Henry Lien is a 2012 graduate of Clarion West. His short fiction has appeared in publications like Asimov’s, earning multiple Nebula Award nominations. He is the author of the Peasprout Chen series, on which he was mentored by George R.R. Martin, Chuck Palahniuk, and Kelly Link. Born in Taiwan, Henry currently lives in Hollywood. Henry has worked as an attorney, fine art dealer, and college instructor. Hobbies include pets, vegan cooking, writing and performing campy science fiction/fantasy anthems, and losing Nebula awards.